Saturday, August 25, 2012

You can NEVER KNOW

This phrase has been sticking in a craw for awhile now. And I think my problem with it is that the speaker of the phrase is taking such ownership of whatever is connected to it that nothing else compares to the element being discussed and the extent of that comparison is apparent miles away from anything else.

I'm going to cut right to the chase. I've seen it written by feminists that I can never know what rape is and the feelings with it. Obviously, rape is a horrible thing. I'm saying that rape for a woman has some serious and scary situations which is pregnancy and the stigma that goes along with being a victim as well such as 'she asked for it'. So, to me, rape is more complicated for a woman than a man.

I have a fear of going to prison. I'm not the biggest guy in the world, far from it. I have no tattoos or piercings. I have a full head of hair and I tend to be regarded as cute. From what I've seen of documentaries on National Geographic and other networks I would be a prime target as I would fit the description of potentially looking feminine at least in a prison setting. Another prisoner might very well visit me for sexual activity. Since I am not homosexual or bi-sexual, I could be in some serious trouble. I could potentially be targeted for a sexual assault. Another man could very well target me, or someone like me, for anal intercourse. For me, it wouldn't be a voluntary act on my part. I would be sexually assaulted and likely with penetration. Isn't that the definition of rape? It's pretty much what I've always understood it to be.

So using my definition of rape, guys can be raped. And it has it's own bag of trauma to go with it. Generally, society says a man should be able to defend himself. The guy defends the woman against trouble. When he is unable to defend himself and he is defiled unwillingly by another man it can reek havoc on him mentally.

So yeah, I get kind of mad when a feminist tells me I can never know what rape is. So here's my list: fear of being attacked, fear of being over-powered, fear of being sexually penetrated against my will, and fear of dealing with the mental trauma after the event. I'm not trying to make little of the stigma women face of being made a victim twice over by people that don't support them after such a horrible event or if they end up pregnant. I don't even want to think about having to deal with such an event. But in my opinion, yeah, I feel men can know what rape is.

More on the "NEVER KNOW' phrase that bugs me is that I can never know because I'm: white, male, Christian, and from a at least a middle class background. And again, it pisses me off because it takes any and all experiences I've had and at the very least, dilutes them if not outright nullifies them.

I can never know what it is like to be a black person. Okay, I can buy into that I don't have it as rough as minorities. I have certain things readily available to me that others don't when it comes to society but I don't try to exploit them. And they do happen even though I'm not even aware of it. Something as simple as my name. There are studies that show that a name can be a big part of just having your resume reviewed. My name is James. It's not Jaymes. It's not J'ames, It's not Jamez or some other spelling to make me stand out and be different from the hundreds of thousands other people named James. What I have experienced is walking down the street minding my own business when three black men, all physically larger than me, waited until I passed by and then threw, luckily, what was only an egg at me. But I knew when I turned and looked at them they were giggling and waiting for me to say something. My every fiber said they were looking for a further excuse to come kick my ass. Then there was the Latina woman standing across from me as I was a kid signing up for my driver's permit. She spoke in Spanish and then very clearly in English finished with 'white trash'. No provocation from my part at all. But I did have shoulder length hair at the time and wore a hoodie with 6 or more stitched on Led Zeppelin patches.

So, have I not felt at least prejudice if not outright racism? I've always understood that to be racist, and I think Spike Lee said this, one person has to be 'in power' essentially, socially and economically. So by that definition I can never experience racism. My definition of racism is that you hate someone because of their skin color or heritage and pretty much do something about it. I'm actually not sure where my own line of racism as opposed to prejudice really ends.

I worked at a Toys R Us for a decade which was located in the third biggest city of my state. The vast majority of security issues, that I was at least aware of, involved minorities. Afro-Americans being more predominant over Latinos. Do I now get to say to other people 'you can never know what it is like to be a white person that has to deal with a black person'? Do I get to say as a white person another can never know the fear of being targeted for a robbery because it is possible I have more material wealth than a minority. Of course not, it's stupid.

In the end, I guess it all boils down to where each of us set our boundaries. When asked, my mom said giving birth was like taking a big shit out the wrong hole. I've taken some big shits that hurt like hell coming out. Does that allow me to relate at least on some level to giving birth? My own boundaries say yeah. My own boundaries say that if I'm bullied, talked down to, assaulted, what have you, that yeah, on some level I can relate to what I would consider being similar such as being called a cunt. Maybe not fully but at least on some level. But we all have our own sensibilities and boundaries.